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Friday, March 11, 2011

The Spring List

I need to write this as soon as possible because I'm getting tired of my mopey self.  It's like I have an internal Eeyore.  Oh bother and all.  

It's raining.  I'm kind of thankful for the rain right now. It hushes things. It tells you to just go inside and calm the hell down. Or, it gives you the chance to run in it and splash through puddles. All liberated and such.

I'm going to just calm the hell down. 

This whole no job and no money thing is really getting me down.  To the point where I am acting like I did nothing for the last year and a half.  No accomplishments, just failure. 

K told me something last night.  Well, a lot of stuff, because I'm sure he's tired of that grey and purple donkey too. 

Take advantage of this time as an opportunity to be free from work and responsibility and nurture yourself inside and out.  He said.

And then:

I'm serious....next time you're off like this we'll have kids. 

AND THAT, put everything into perspective. Holy shit.  Now I feel like I wasted a lot of time sulking around when I could have celebrated my 25 year old free life.  That scared me straight because next time, this won't be like this.  I won't get to lounge around.  I won't get to take showers.  Someone will always be asking for something and bothering me. 

So. Perspective it is.  Thank you K.


Here's what's going to keep me busy.

The Spring List.



Dance in puddles, all liberated and such.


Open up the windows and let the cool, Spring air in. 

Buy a bright umbrella and rain boots, and dance a little rain dance.

Wave hello to every single iris, daffodil, and tulip that blooms in the Spring mud.

And, take lots of pictures. Like the picture of that house with the iris front lawn.

Make a Spring wreath.

Sleep backwards, so that your ear is closer to the cool Spring air, and listen to the rain as you fall asleep.


Embrace those last few cold nights, and the feeling of a warm puppy under the blankets.

Spring Clean.  Like, deeply. 

Break off tree branches that are about to bloom, and bring them inside. 

Pick a basket full of tulips.

Paint your nails in ridiculously pastel colors.



Go hiking. 

Eat breakfast out on the patio.  Even if you have to wear a puffy vest. 

Come up with a new Easter dessert.  Who needs bunny cake?

Cook with Spring vegetables: peas, carrots, radishes, baby lettuce.

Rock the tennis skirt.

Plant. 

My mom will be so proud

Start seedlings inside and do it right this time.

Create a customized birthday day.

Finish the photo wall.

Finish organizing the storage room. (hey, you've gotta have some chores!)

Read a couple of books.

Finish the Washington book, already.

Put some pansies in the windowsill.

Have more weekends filled with the National Parks DVD series and Trivial Pursuit.


Participate in "May Day".

Celebrate K when he graduates on May 14th.

Bask in the extra hour of sunlight at the end of the day.

Run across The Field with Lilly.


And, be the person you hoped you'd be when you planted the bulbs. 



Happy Spring. 

Thursday, March 10, 2011

Ebelskievers

It was one of those days yesterday.  Again.  And I was on the losing end of the battle. 

Then, this arrived at the front door.  In a gigantic box.



And suddenly, everything was okay.  Everything was exciting.  But, seriously, the box was huge. 



Nettie and Tommy sent us our first wedding gift off of our registry.  Sister and Rihanna dancing fiend went all out too. 

Ebelskiever pan.  Apple and plum jam, Raspberry jam, and the cutest freakin porcelain cow creamer.  I don't drink coffee, but I might now.  Or, put milk for cereal in it. 

Gah.  I freakin love it.  Like, I don't want anything to happen to it either.  It's in the wrapping right now because I don't want anyone to touch it. 

I'll be the woman screaming for the cow creamer if my house ever burns down, it's that cute. 



It's all strutting and stuff. 


Thank you Nettie and Tommy.  You're the best thing to happen to this wedding in a long time.  We love you guys and are so lucky to have such great friends. 



I spent an hour this morning making Ebelskievers.  Filled-pancakes is what K calls them.  I got the hang of it after the second round.  I made some without filling, most with chocolate, and the last few with the Apple Plum jam.  Dude, I even broke out the double broiler to melt the chocolate filling. 

Can I just say, HEAVEN?



HEAVEN. 

I'll admit it, I ate a lot of these suckers.  The batch makes 40 of them though, so it's kinda necessary to do your part.  I also made an egg for myself so that I would not Ebelskiever all over the floor.  Thats balance. 

I'm going to perfect my Ebelskiever skills so that come June, I can serve perfect, fluffy, sugary, doughy pillows to my Nettie and Tommy. 



Sunday, March 6, 2011

Mountain Porn, baby


Hello, my mountain.  I miss you.

Why, yes msn.com, I would love to tour the world's most beautiful mountains this morning. 

Friday, March 4, 2011

Bitter Stream of Consciousness


Something happened this week that changed everything.  For good, for the most part. But, things still changed and I was faced with one of those hit-you-in-the-face moments. 

Life is different now. 

It's not cancer. It's not heart disease.  It's not diabetes even. 

It's Polycystic Ovarian Syndrome. PCOs, is what we call it in this house now.  That's what I have. That's what I was diagnosed with this week. 

Not terminal. Not deadly.  But, definitely life changing. 


I knew that something was wrong for a little while.  I didn't know what exactly, but I knew something was wrong.  Or, that something would be wrong in the future.  Maybe that's a natural feeling coming from the Northwest.  Out there, MS is higher than it is in the rest of the country.  For the longest time, I had this feeling that something would happen and that I wouldn't be able to do things that I always wanted. 

Like run.  Running was always the thing that I'd miss the most.  That freeing feeling of letting go, letting your body take over, use up all of it's ability, and just go for it.  The warmth of your muscles performing, the cooling air on your face.  That's what I would fear losing. 

But, it's not THAT bad.  It's not great, right now, but it's not debilitating.

Instead, PCOs is a warning sign.  Of unstable insulin levels that need to be treated with medication.  Medication that I have to take for a long, long time.  Until menopause at least.  And that's the life-changing part, for me. 

Because, when you're 25, you think you have time.  You have time to eat more french fries and put off exercising and drink a little more than you should.  You don't have to put medical histories down on doctor's office papers.  You don't have to worry about what this pill will do to you.  Or what complications could come up. 

And then you think, why did this take so long to notice?  My dermatologist suggested it.  Gynecologists missed it.  Family doctors didn't even think of the possibility. 

One of the signs of PCOs is depression. 

That really makes me mad.  Now, as a nurse I understand completely that you can't dwell on the "what ifs". 

But, what if. 


The amount of sad days.  The feeling of complete failure.  The heaviness of depression that was constantly on my shoulders.  The number of times when I felt like I wasn't good enough.  The thoughts that I've had. 

What if they could have been avoided.  What if I could have been healthy and happy. 


So, I have to take care of myself now.  Physically and emotionally.  I took a couple days and mourned the fact that I was diagnosed with something that will put me at risk.  I ate way too many tater tots and stayed in front of the television, while the dog slept besides me.  I stayed up very late.  I cried on the phone with Theresa as she cried with me.  I cursed whoever I could for this happening and for it going unnoticed. 

And, then I moved on. 



This is my life now.  This is part of me.  The medication will be a twice daily part of my routine.  I will have to chose better choices.  I will have to push myself physically. 

If I was on the West Coast, I would have still ate tater tots and sulked in front of the TV.  I would have still been sad. 


Then, I would have driven to the ocean.  I would have stood on it's shore, waves crashing against bare feet.  I would have stared out into the horizon and would have let this go.  Given it up.  Accepted it.  Wind against my face.  Muscles warm and ready to run. 

Randomish

It's 7:20 PM and K is 30 minutes into his nap.  Student teaching has been draining his system and I only partially judge him for his decision to try to sleep when bedtime is so very close.  It's also Friday night and I am in pajama pants, and we're 25 years old.  Although, I don't really know what I'd rather be doing right now.  Maybe having friends over for dinner and challenging their relationship skills with a long game of Catchphrase.  But, that seems like an old thing to do too. 

A lot has happened this week.  I was going to title this post "Bittersweet Week" , but decided to go the Randomish route instead.  Sometimes, rather than explain yourself and connect one thought to another, you need to just number things. 

1. On Sunday, K was inducted into a very special Honor Society, devoted to the adult student.  He was one of two individuals chosen from his class for this club.  We were very proud as we watched him pledge to this fraternity and receive his membership and certificate.  He will be graduating in May, but continues to work as hard as day one.  Hence the nap at 6:30. 


They had a very unique keynote speaker.  She went back to college when she was 27, and went on and off for years, until finally receiving her bachelor's.  She then went on for a Master's, but that stuff didn't really matter.  Her speech was about all the in between.  She had fifteen different jobs, ranging from gardener, pottery teacher, to professor at Penn State.  All these experiences mattered.  Each one brought new people and lessons into her life. 

She told us, "Say yes.  Just say yes to things, and you'll be so suprised with what they will bring you." 

Her whole point was, just because we're not doing things the traditional way, doesn't mean it isn't the right way.  And, I really liked that because it hit home.  I didn't go right from high school to getting a four year degree.  I was a LPN for a long time.  Even now, it hits me because I'm still not where I thought I should be.  That doesn't matter.  You keep going. You keep searching.  Keep saying yes to things in your life. 

2. I said that my goal for this week was to get a job.  I didn't get one yet, but I did get an interview, and that's farther than I've been so far.  The interview went well and they said they would call me back in.  So, we wait. 

3.  Seriously, I am obsessed with Adele's new album.  Seriously.  And, I rather like the fact that her album titles are how old she was when she put them together.  How interesting it would be to compare the albums of our different ages.  My 20 year old album would be rather gloomy, while my 25 year old album would be a little less gloomy, with a slow, steady grand finale.

4.  It's March, and I don't care what it looks like outside, I'm going to start gardening. 

The ground is still frozen, but there is stuff to do already.  Like clean up the yard. 


Last Fall, we had a Halloween party, complete with spooky decorations, a roaring fire, and a bale of hay to sit on outside.  We ran out of firewood and started using bits of the bale for warmth.  Then, some nut job started rolling around in the hay and it was all over the yard.  So, I decided to sprinkle it on naked garden beds, for nourishment and protection.

I don't know if it did a damn thing.  But, it looked nicer than frozen dirt. 

So, I raked as much of the hay that I could, uncovering an abundance of ready to grow irises and daffodils.  Come on flowers, we're ready for you.

I also noticed just how crappy of a job our neighbors did staining their fences. 



I guess that meant I'll have to grow more. 

The seeds have arrived, but I can't do a lot with them just yet.  Last year, I was overly ambitiuous, starting all of the seeds inside (with the exception of the zucchini).  It was too much, and most of the crops failed.  This year, I'm just starting tomatoes inside.  The basil showed me last year that seeds grow outside, and do very well for themselves thank-you-very-much. Which reminds me: Martha Stewart shows how to make basil soap in April's magazine.  If I only knew that was possible last Fall.  Sigh. There was so much basil. 

I found an old weight loss notebook, that I had used for three weeks, recording diet and exercises, which I will repurpose as a gardening book.  The pages are colorful, so it pretty much meets the criteria.



I can probably use this for a couple of years.  Not sure how to organize it yet. 

5.  I have rediscovered Lilly's Kong.  I fill it with dog biscuits and peanut butter, and have bought myself 30 minutes free of a bored dog bothering me, with her teeth. 

6.  February has passed.  I'm so glad.  I'm not really overzealous about March, but it's not February and it will do. 

7.  I put the patio furniture out.  You can't comfortably sit outside for very long yet, but it's a reminder of what's around the corner.  Along with raking, I cleared the patio off, cleaned off overturned pots, and rearranging the yard a little bit. 



And I much prefer my windchime to be at the end of the yard now; it makes more noise that way. 



I also turned the outside lights on.  Sure, they were on here and there this winter, but they're on almost every night now.  There's no more snow, so its more appropriate.  Still, I'm sure the neighbors are thinking, "Who is she kidding?  It's not Spring yet."  To which I say, "Paint your f-in fence."

We do what we want. 



And please note, that when I said "we" just now, I was referring to me and the dog. 

8.  I will write about the "bitter" part next. 

9.  This weekend, I plan on mapping out the garden and writing a Spring List.  Enticing, no?

10. I didn't have to use spell check for this entire post.  Or, it's broken. 

Now, if you'll excuse me, I'm going to conclude this bittersweet week with a talk with my sweet best friend, Nettie. 


Sunday, February 27, 2011

Scheduled

I didn't plan on writing tonight.  I'm not sure what I'm going to write about.  I just have the desire to write. 

And, it's not like I have the most ideal writing environment right now.  I'm sitting on a worn chaise lounge, in front of the television which is blaring the Oscars, slightly bloated from too much popcorn and definitely too much ice cream. All of the lamps are on and I swear I'm going to punch someone if Anne Hathaway keeps talking.  It's an overstimulated environment. 

But, I long to write.  Something. 

It's a new goal of mine to write for an hour every single day.  Maybe it'll be on here.  Maybe it will be in a hidden journal that is intended just for me.  Or, maybe it'll just be for practice. 

Okay, Randy Newman's on now. Definitely not adding to the environment. 


We've really been struggling lately because there has been such a dramatic change in our time together.  K is student teaching, then planning, and then sleeping.  It's not his fault.  It's not his intention.  It's tough though, and I'm not going to lie about that.  I hate it.  I've been stomping my feet and pouting my lip and making it known that I don't like this one little bit. 

So, we made a schedule.  A weekly schedule of our obligations--to our work and to each other. 

It's not ideal, but it's necessary. 


I also need to make my own weekly schedule.  The work that I need to do will focus on interpersonal growth, and making money. 

I told myself today, out loud, "I'm going to find a job this week."


I'm serious too. That's my goal for the week.

But, part of me is understanding that I can take this time in my life and make it what I want to be. Maybe its suppose to be this way right now. Maybe I'm suppose to have time off and really think about what I want to do. Not necessarily long term, but in the everyday.


K's busy right now, and I'm not. I need to stop throwing tantrums and start embracing this gift of life. 

This is truly the time, when I should ask myself:  what is it you plan to do with your one wild and precious life?


This week, I'm going to stick to our schedule. 
 
And I'm also going to create my own. 
 
I'm going to wake up early.
 
I'm going to exercise.
 
I'm going to play hard with the puppy.
 
I'm going to cook great things.
 
I'm going to get the yard ready.
 
I'm going to start spring cleaning.
 
I'm going to write for an hour everyday.
 
I'm going to find my job.
 
I'm going to read some fantastic books.
 
I'm going to make a Spring List. 
 
I'm going to be thankful.
 
I'm going to show love.
 
I'm going to be happy.
 
 
I'm going to finally conquer what I intended to last month
 
 
 

Saturday, February 26, 2011

Spring Preview and Saturdays


DID YOU SEE IT? 


Right there, in the middle of the picture.  A crocus.  Popping it's head out from under the chilly soil. 

They're coming.  Spring is coming. 

I'm all excited about this, and then I think about what I was anticipating for myself come Spring.  When I was plant the bulbs, I thought, "Life will be so grand, so easy, when these bloom. The colors will reflect the colors in your life." 

So, I have some work to do, because these things are going to shoot up and I'm kind of in a less than colorful mood.  In fact, I'm still on the grey side. 

Most likely, I will snap out of it when we have more daylight.  I'm confident about that. 


I have a subtle reminder in my garden right now.  To be happy.  To snap out of it.  To look ahead to great things.

Even when the rest of the garden looks like this.



And the backyard like this.



And the sky?  Like this.



Not a lot to work with.  So, I improvise.

I create my own sunshine. 

I put on a very anti-winter skirt. 



It's wrinkly, but that's how I like it because that feels like Spring even more. 

I stand in the yard and stare at melting snow and think, "Hurry up."


Today, is Saturday and that makes things a little bit easier.  Lately, my days have no difference as far as activity goes.  I have really nothing to do.  But, for some reason, Saturdays feel different.  They feel a little bit lighter and with more possibilities.  

I have learned to love my Saturdays.  Most days we do nothing, and that's the way to do it.  We've spent the night before better, out on the town, catching up. We wake up the next morning with our own to-do list, part ways, and don't check in until late in the afternoon. 

I like spending my Saturdays tidying up, making the bed while the dog rolls around on the ground, while old episodes of Sex and the City play in the background.  I put on clothes that make me feel pretty and it feels like the day is so much longer (in a good way).  I spend time looking for great shops on etsy.com. I finish the afternoon with Barefoot Contessa reruns and I imagine making some of that food. 

That's how I like my Saturday. 

In a couple of weeks, I'll add "sitting outside on the patio furniture" to the day, while I watch purple crocuses bloom and welcome in Spring, officially. 

Until then, I'll encourage the yard to dry up and focus on the little bit of green that I have. 




Happy Saturday.