Sweet Misery

We were going to go camping.  There, that's it.  That's what you were suppose to stay tuned for.  But, we're not going camping anymore because I have a literal pain-in-my-ass.  Five years ago, I had the same kind of pain, in the same location, in the form of a cyst or possible embryonic twin.  I'll spare you the details, but it was drained and I experienced the worst pain known to me. 

And, it's back.  Because, that's what usually happens in these kinds of cases.  Maybe it's karma or something, I don't know.  Anyways,  I felt that pain, I went straight into denial because I was scared as hell to get it taken care of again.  That's too bad though, because when you're in a relationship, the other person eventually convinces you to get your act together and go to the doctor.  So, away we went to urgent care.  We got right in, I got vitals and everything taken, and I looked over to see K with a lollipop in his mouth.  Really?  I'm sure it was a look into my medical future. 

Turns out, antibiotics should be able to take care of it at this point.  But, the antibiotics make me groggy and nauseated and there are so many things that I want to do instead of staying home today.  I woke up and knew that I wouldn't be able to sit in class for three hours.  So, I emailed my professor, told a couple of classmates, and then tried to find a comfortable position in bed.  Even with six pillows and a slightly empathetic dog, I was unsuccessful.  

Then I thought,  you can turn this day into something special.  So I made my bed, took a hot bath, put on a pretty cute outfit, tidied up, cooked an impressive breakfast.  And, then I gave up, because my butt hurt. 

Sometimes, you just have to stop and give in.  Sure, a productive day full of writing, photography, walks with the pup, making homemade soup, picking Dahlias, and embracing the sun would have been therapeutic.  But, today my body just needed to deal.  I needed to take two naps and drink an insane amount of water and just lock the dog up for an afternoon. 


So, that's that.  We'll see how the next week goes.  I'm heading to Seattle for a four day trip where I don't care about anything but progressing with wedding plans and spending time with my family.  That's it. 

I wasn't productive today, but it has been a pretty productive week.


Last Wednesday, K and I decided to do a back-to-back date night.  I was up first and I had the stay at home option.  So viola, indoor picnic.   To which I contributed the initial pain to because I thought, "Well, maybe I'm just getting too old to sit on the floor for that long."

Ah, thank you blogger for getting your act together and updating your photo loader.  

It was a perfect little date.  Shout out to the best maid of honor ever, Katie, for the delicious Long Island wine that she gave us for our engagement part.  We finally got to enjoy it. 

I was going to make a fort and eat under it, but I pretty much decided to put this date together in an hour. 

......................................................................................................................................................................

It is Fall, which means its my absolute favorite time of the year.  I like driving and watching leaves fly all around me.  I like the pumpkins and the crazy squash that I'm convinced only grow in Pennsylvania.  I want to soak up every crisp day and grab each molecule of the fall air and capture it in my room so I can sleep well at night. 

I am constantly enchanted by the Fall sky.  Day or night, its pretty rockin. 

We have a couple of things planned for Fall.  We're going to try again for our 1st Annual Halloween party, which we had to cancel last year because some dog decided to eat a towel.  We're going to go all out with the decorations and costumes.  Once we figure out what to be, that is. 

I also foresee a couple of Fall hikes and a haunted hay ride in Gettysburg in our future.  And lots of pumpkin flavored things, because that's one of the best things about Fall. 

.......................................................................................................................................................................

The dogs are being dogs.  They're fighting then play fighting. They're rubbing their backs against our legs as a kind of marking of territory, so that makes us feel like objects.  I let them do it though, because in a couple weeks I will dress them in humiliating costumes and parade them around the neighborhood when the trick-or-treaters are out. 

Yep, that's her own spit. 

......................................................................................................................................................................

The other day, I woke up to the rain.  Best way to start the day ever.  For most, it's a reminder that it's gloomy outside and you're not sure where your umbrella is.  For me, it's a reminder of beautiful, rainy days in Seattle where you have an automatic excuse to get into snuggle mode.  But, I have to constantly stop myself and remember that rain does not mean cool on the East Coast.  Rain can, for the most part, mean humidity. 

Still, it's a good way to start the day.  It rained and rained, almost like that Winnie the Pooh story where piglet gets sent down the river in a teapot, I think.  And, let me tell you, people here freak out.  It's like they think they have to go build an ark or something.  The rain will stop.  It will be sunny again.  It will be humid soon.  Slow down when you drive.  Put your lights on.  Calm the hell down.   

I have always loved the rain.  It definitely renews me.  Which, was good timing this week.  I started my Monday off with unnecessary stress, didn't know how to handle it or what to do next, so I decided to run.  Naps don't make me feel better.  Television makes me lethargic.  Baths are good only if you have a good bathtub.  So, I ran.  In the rain.  And I was this close to wearing a rain jacket but had to stop myself because, you know, it'll be humid. 

It was the best run I've ever had.  Okay, I know that's not saying much because running is hard, but it was really great.  Every song on my iPod spoke to me about what I was feeling, or how I should feel.  I can't remember the songs now, and I'm not sure I would be able to hear the same words as before.  But, it was the perfect combination of U2, DMB, and Matchbox 20.

And I found myself running towards the clouds.  Expecting the rain.  Wishing for that sensation of rain water on my skin and hair.  It started raining, and I started running faster, and the pace of the song coordinated with the pace of the rain drops.  Suddenly, they matched perfectly.  The intensity of Rob Thomas' voice grew as the rain poured harder.  I was in this state of mind where I felt clarity.  I was able to look at the situation and let it go.  To realize that I'm not the same person anymore.  That I'm stronger, wiser. 

All the while, Lilly was probably thinking, "You're crazy.  I'm getting wet.  This is stupid."

I felt like God was there and He wanted me to pay attention. 

It's a process, but I feel like I'm getting there.  School will be over soon and life can really kick in.  I appreciate this blog for what it is: a positive outlet to record my progress and growth.  Life is truly beautiful, but only when you open your eyes and pay attention to what's around you.  I feel like this has been a remarkable year for me when it comes to understanding who I am and what I want for myself.  The right decisions are often the hardest.  That's how it should be.  If it was easy, there would be a lot less crazy in the world. 

I know I mostly record about my garden and my dog, but there's more to this little life.  There are good days and there are tough days that need to be worked out with the rain and a run.  There are times that are joyful and there are times that are difficult.  There are times when you know that you must make a decision that's best for you, despite what it does around you.  There are times when you realize that you have outgrown your surroundings.  There are times when you can see clearly how much you have changed.  And those are all good.  They're healthy.  It's normal to grow and move on.  It's normal to stop and heal.  It's normal to like things that others don't like, like the rain. 

So tonight, I will go to bed with the rain hitting the gutter as my lullaby.  I know who I am.  I know what I like.  I regret nothing.  And, that's all I'm saying about that. 

Fall Semester

Things have been pretty busy around the house. 

We work.  We clean. We study.  We plan. We pursue.  We mostly communicate through text messages and sticky notes nowadays.  We DVR our favorite shows and say things like, "We'll watch everything on Thursday," and then we fall in bed far too early on Thursday night.  We're tired.  We're overwhelmed.  We're finding too few hours in the day.  We're crabby. We're taking things out on each other. We're not sure that December will ever get here. 

K is one semester away from student teaching, and has a full course load on his plate.  Quitting his job at the beginning of the semester was, as it turned out, the right decision afterall.  When he's not in class, he's typing a paper on the computer.  When he's not doing that, he's reading his multiple textbooks, underlining and highlighting, constantly striving to do the best that he can. 

I am one semester away from achieving a dream that I set for myself far too long ago.  RN.  Registered nurse.  A title that becomes you, that defines you in a way.  Nurse, that's what I am already with LPN. But, Registered Nurse, that's something completely different.  When I'm not in class, I'm in the lab.  Or, at a hospital.  Or, in front of my computer typing a paper.  And, on top of it all, I'm still working.  I'm no where as busy as K, because I'm able to type in the blogosphere, but I'm plenty busy. 

There will come a point in your life when you think everything is finished.....that is just the beginning. 

That's one of K's mottos.  And, it is so very true. 

Here we are, at the end of a chapter in our life. About to tuck away this part of our education. Thinking that we've almost made it, that this struggle is almost over.  To which, it has just started.  Life doesn't get easier with education or with job success.  Life will always be hard.  Work will always pile up and those things that you don't expect to happen, will.  You may even think, "Life is going to get easier because I've gotten so use to this kind of bullshit, that I'm tougher now, more resilient."  But, it doesn't, because even though you do adapt and can handle more, Life knows what you can take, and gives it to you.  That's harsh, I know.  But, it's still worth it. 

Because in the midst of the struggles, the homework, the nights where I go without seeing him, I have to focus on the good things. 

Like Fall.  And, a Fall garden. 

Good-bye to the old pumpkin and zucchini vines that were tormented all summer long from one very greedy groundhog.  They were removed, along with the dried-up remains of the flowers that I planted from Lowe's, which didn't get as much love as the tomatoes. 

Speaking of the tomatoes, they're finally big and red.  And, some of the best I've ever had.  We finally got rid of the rodents that were eating the half-ripened fruits, and managed to find a couple that went perfectly paired with some basil, fresh mozzarella, and olive oil.

It was like Heaven, y'all.

And just check out our basil.  It's going to be pesto soon.

So, I may not have perfection yet.  I may not have a job that is stable or a fiancee who has free-time.  We're making due, like we always do.  I'm content with spending time with him on car rides home or forgoing my wonderful bed to wait for him to finish his paper and then cramming in his bed with a almost-fully-grown-lab.  Life is hard, but it's still pretty good.  Blah.  I know that sounds cheesy and rushed, but my computer is about to die.  So be it. 

I have faith that it will get better soon.  Like this weekend when we will build a fire and look at the stars while drinking wine.  Or a week from now when we will do something I've wanted to do for a very long time.  What is it?  Stay tuned. 

PS: K, I'm tired. Wrap it up and turn the lights off.  Muah.

ER nurse

Yesterday, I was like a mad woman on some kind of happy juice formula after my ER rotation.  I was like, high.  And I've never been high before, thank you very much; you're welcome to my mother who is reading this right about now.  

The shift went something like this: Take care of these four patients, help pick that one off of floor, get urine sample from that one, hook IV up here, hook another IV up here, give this IV push, discharge this one upstairs, oh look there's a new patient, help this one to the bathroom, chart about all of the above, get vital signs, assess these patients, chart.....

It was great. 


No, really.  It was awesome.  Let me tell you about the three years of my life.   The last three years as a LPN went something like this:  give medicine to old man and old woman, argue about the medicine that you're giving them, tell them that the doctor ordered it, tell them they did take this yesterday, explain that it's a pill for their depression or high blood pressure,  listen while they tell you they don't have those diagnoses, explain that's because you take these pills, give more medicine to more people and repeat the above.

Yes, I know I sound crazy.  I realize that the ideal work environment/situation for most is to do the littlest amount of work while maximizing their youtube importing and exporting.  But, I'm not like that.  I like to be knee deep in work, so that the hours fly by and I have that soreness after, like you get with a good workout. 

Yesterday was the affirmation that I needed.  That I had peaked in my current job and must move forward to bigger and better things. 

Do It All

Today could have been a bad day.  I woke up to a bear-sized present from my dog this morning, extending all the way up the stairs.  I got another present from my Aunt Flo, which totally botched all hope of losing weight this week.  The house is a disaster, the studies are pilling up, I worked crazy hours all weekend, and I have my first ER rotation this evening with clinicals. 

But, lastnight, I wrote myself a little note, because, you know, you're always inspired before bed.  You're always like, "Tomorrow, I'm going to be perfect and I'm going to do A through Z."  So you set your alarm for early and you write down a to-do list in your planner, and you write yourself notes. 

I AM HARDCORE.

That's what I wrote.  I'm not sure why.  Maybe because I was looking at jobs lastnight that I'm going to apply for, all which are in an ER or ICU.  And I thought, those nurses are hardcore.  I am hardcore. 

So, I had all intentions of being hardcore this morning.  And then Lilly and the rest of life was like, "Goodmorning!  Deal with this.....".  Blah.  Nevertheless, I went all Nutrigrain-bar-commercial on life's ass and knew that one good decision would warrant more. 

And, so I started running again.

And, the running is good. 

The weather is that perfect transition weather right now.  Not too hot, but still really sunny.  Not too cold, but still cool enough so that whatever you're doing outside feels a little bit easier.  We ran.  We haven't done that in two weeks.  Running was not working out for me.  It was not getting easier.  It was becoming very frustrating, the opposite of what I wanted it to be.  I wanted it to be an escape from whatever I needed to escape from.  So, I took a couple of weeks off, and reintroduced myself today.  If it starts to hurt, I'll slow down.  If I don't achieve my daily goals, I'll reevaluate them.  As simple as that. 

We ran for 10 one-minute intervals today.  Past the highschool, across a baseball field, up some hills, and through a couple of neighborhoods.  It felt natural today.   It felt like I was already conquering the day.  On the way home, we entered our neighborhood, and about 5 houses in, Lilly got into that familiar position of sniffing the grass and bending her back legs to the ground.  This time though, she plopped down on the lush grass, rolled around, and then laid down, as if to say, "This, this right here is good.  Let's stop here." 

The choices continued.  Like what I had for breakfast. 



Strawberries and bananas, that all I wanted. 

Yesterday was my "don't you dare do anything after work" day.  I put in 9.5 hours with the Red Cross teaching, didn't get home until 6, managed to cook a decent dinner, and then watched about 2 hours of The Office.  To which, I decided that if I am ever widowed, I will try to pursue John Krasinski.  He's Polish, so I think K would give me his blessing.  I'm still trying to find that balance with this new semester.  I feel like I'm making a breakthrough this week.  Everything is falling into place schedule-wise, and its steady enough to develop a routine.  Still, I'm feeling pretty good and that means I'm going to try to squeeze as much in as possible.  School and work.  Exercise and walking the dog.  Relationship maintenance and building.  Wedding planning and Fall decorating.

And, where I can, hobbies.  That means photography, gardening, and writing.  The garden is still going, despite the holes that the groundhog keeps putting in its leaves.  We're slowing down on tomato production, but still seeing some beauties.  I need to make basil before the nights get really chilly. 

Writing is something I want to develop this year.  Not for any profit or recognition, but for my own soul. 

I also picked up If You Want to Write: A Book about Art, Independence and Spirit by Brenda Ueland, which is pretty much a book that you'd want to highlight in its entirety. 

I have about an hour and a half before my rotation.  Yes, I'm nervous.  ER's are scary, they're fast paced.  Before I go though, I'm going to try and take a little more out of this day.  I'm going to let my wet hair dry in the sunshine.  I'm going to check my dog's pulse to make sure the run wasn't too much.  I'm going to sit downstairs and be happy, even though my basement looks like this:

Yes, I know.  But, it's okay. 

Because, it's going to be a good day. 

I Lied.

Seriously, I've been so busy lately that I haven't even had time to write. 

And this post isn't going to be any better. 

This is going to be my life for the next three months.  I'm in my last semester of RN school, trying to complete everything that I need to graduate, plus work as much as I can in between clinical days.  I'm not complaining because it really feels great to be able to accomplish so much every week.  But, I am realizing more and more how little time I'm giving myself in the process. 

That's life though, and you learn to adapt. 

The Seattle weekly column was a good idea, just bad timing.  I'll still write as much as I can about my beautiful city, but obviously I can't commit to anything right now.  It sucks, downright sucks.  In the meantime, I'll try to squeeze out the goodness in each day. 

I thought about taking a couple of weeks off from blogging, but then I'd be missing out on that precious time of the year when the temperature finally changes and you're layering with cardigans.  I don't want to stop writing, because then I'd stop noticing.  This is really a tool for my psyche.  Writing on here allows me to record my life.  Without writing, I tend to stop pushing myself towards those happy moments.  Here is where I can describe that cool, crisp September air and how it feels to know that the 80's were so yesterday, weather-wise.  Here is where I can brag about the mini-pumpkins that I bought, and dream up big dreams for Halloween.  I may write infrequently, but I'm constantly thinking about ideas and embracing the day more because I'm anticipating something to write about. 



On an end note, it was Sept 11th yesterday, and I don't want to hit "publish" without saying something.  We went to Shanksville, PA last year and visited the Flight 93 memorial, before any new construction was started.  It is one of the most beautiful and spiritual places that I have ever visited.  The pictures I took there are still my favorite pictures of all time.  The site will change in the next couple of years, for the better I'm sure, but I'm so grateful for the chance to visit it as it use to be.  The sky was so powerful there.

Tomorrow

I will study and I will clean and I will exercise and I will eat healthy and I will play with the puppy and I will blog about Seattle. 

I promise. 

You Are What You Eat

"Tell me, what is it you plan to do with your one wild and precious life?" -Mary Oliver

Okay, I totally stole that quote off of Kelle Hampton's page.  It's a powerful quote: a dare, a challenge.  It's a reminder that this is all that you have and that it's up to you to make something out of it. 

Sometimes, K gets on my case because I'm so anxious about the amount of time that we have and what we do with it.  There are weekends when I get ahead of myself and worry about the time that was wasted before we got a chance to do a single thing.  It's not because I think something is going to happen to us or anything like that.  It's just this reocurring ache in my body that constantly reminds me that life is precious and there is so much out there to add to it. 

He and I are eight days apart in birthdays.  So, this year, we both celebrated our 25th in April.  Every other year since 20, I've felt like I was still in that transitional stage from teenager to adult.  Still struggling to identify myself, relying too heavily on my parents to get by instead of realizing the potential that I had in myself.  And, while my bank account still does not reflect my age, this year, I finally feel like I've entered the adult world. 

To which, I am rewriting all of the rules. 

When you're an adult, you don't have to play nice. 

When you're an adult, you don't have to associate with people who are wrong for you, no matter who they are or who they're related to.

When you're an adult, you don't have to keep your mouth shut. 

When you're an adult, you can do the opposite of whatever everyone else is doing, and create your own life. 

You can get married when you say so.  And have as many kids as you want.  You can raise them to be exceptional people all by yourself.  You can have a job that you were meant to have.  You can decorate your house the way you want.  You can throw the parties you'd want to attend. 

Independence and responsibility are what sets aside the teenager from the adult.  I choose to be responsible solely for my independent life.  I will not do things because that's what we've always done in this family.  I will not make choices based on the influence of others. 

I choose to surround myself with positive people.  I choose to turn to the bad people in my life and say "You are not invited to the rest of my life."  I choose to be blunt, and honest, and defend and promote good behavior. 

Everyday is a challenge.  It's so difficult to stay away from negativity and it's more difficult to prevent it from creeping into your daily life.  We are surrounded by misery.  Miserable people who have not applied that quote into their life.  People who are angry and aggressive because they have not looked within themselves and made that choice. 

I have made the choice to remind myself everyday to laugh, to sing and dance, to evaluate myself and my choices, to apply moral principles in my life, to give to others, to love, and to choose happiness. 

I am lucky. I am lucky to have the love of a good man, who despite the hardships that are constantly disrupting his life, maintains an honest and beautiful heart.  I am lucky to have supportive parents who believe in my abilities and who contribute to my success.  I am lucky to have a mother-in-law who continues to fight for her right to peace and happiness. I am lucky to have friends who will do anything for me. 

But, most of all, I am lucky to be me.  I am lucky that I am myself and that ultimately it's me who produces the checks and balances. 

So, today, I will remind myself once again of the demons that haunt our lives.  Of jealousy and hate, of greed and negativity, of grudges and backstabbing.  And I will extinguish these people and behaviors from my life, and instead focus on family.  On friends.  On true love.  On puppies already asleep even though we woke up an hour ago.  Of the days ahead where the sun is bright and the air crisp.  On Dahlias.  On the breakfast that I'm going to make for the household.  On the little old ladies whose hands I'll hold tonight, as they ask for a kiss.  On the life that we're building. On our wedding and the people we will invite.  On the children I'll have some day who will grow up to be advocates and not bullies.  On traditions based on love.  On beauty.  On faith.



Someday, I will leave this world in true beauty and grace.  And, I will have no regrets. 

Anatomy of a Weekend: Last

I really don't feel like writing.  I have a headache and it's been far too long a day.  I'm exhausted to the point of not having enough energy to walk upstairs and brush my teeth.

That's what I started to write, last Monday.  I guess the week didn't get much better because I haven't written a word since. 

Last weekend was actually a great weekend.  We infiltrated Pittsburgh.  Flew under the radar and didn't tell a single family member what we were doing, therefore allowing us to do whatever cultural thing we wanted.  And I can write that here because none of them actually read this blog. 

WE WENT TO PITTSBURGH LAST WEEKEND!!!

=)

We got in and out without anyone knowing. 

Our purpose of the trip was to see the Phantom of the Opera before it left Pittsburgh forever.  Which, is actually a blessing because the bloody thing was pretty awful.  Don't let anyone tell you otherwise: the Saturday showing was this close to a community theater production of Phantom.  Acting was horrible, the stage hands were very visible, and the chandelier was so freakin slow, I'd like that 5 minutes of my life back. 

We didn't stay the entire show though, because K ripped his pants. 

It was a gift from God.  We stood up at intermission, both keeping our mouth shut about the quality of the show so as not to offend the other, and there it was: an eight inch, perfectly straight rip right under his left pocket.  The seat gods must have put something sharp there in order to provide an excuse to leave.  

Which went something like this:

K: It's really up to you if you want to stay or not.  I'll be fine.

C: No, I don't want YOU to be uncomfortable. 

K: But, I don't want to take THIS away from you.

C: Really, I insist.

K: No, I insist. 

Conversation all during our walk down the stairs and out the door. 

There were some highlights to the trip, however. We went to the ZOO, which we've wanted to do for a very long time.  The weather kept up and we went early enough to avoid the mommy crowd. 

The elephants really stole the show, as always. 

The Pittsburgh Zoo has tons of personality.  And I mean, the people.  From the two leathery, sixty year old women who were overheard talking about a Liger, which despite it being a totally fake animal made up on Napoleon Dynamite, is apparently "the largest mammal on earth", to the parents, teaching their children about sloths by exclaiming "look at the monkey!"

My favorite Pittsburgh touch was the elephant height chart. 

You see, Mario Lemieux is a new addition to this pole.  He, over the summer, replaced a certain quarterback who allegedly did a certain unwelcomed act in a certain Georgia bathroom. 

But seriously.  He's still suspended 4 games, even though his height is no longer measured against elephant's in the zoo.  I think the man's suffered enough. 

There were other notable animals at the Zoo, but I'm always an elephant fan.  Especially the babies because they're so little, and yet so wrinkly. 

The biggest feature at the Zoo is the newly renovated Aquarium.  It's impressive, but I kinda want a bumper sticker now that says "My Aquarium can beat up your Aquarium" because there's nothing like the Seattle Aquarium. 

We do not have these in Seattle though:

We're not sure how they heard about the Zoo. And yes, I know they do not like having their pictures taken, but shut up because they do not know what a blog is and what are they going to do about it?

We brought a souvenir home because K said, "Whatever you want, tell me and I'll get it.  Let's make this a memory." Ahh, yes I know.  I named him Pete because that kinda sounds like Pitt.  Yes, Lilly has already chewed on him.

Can't you see the resemblance?

And I'm always a sucker for a good hotel.  The Hilton in Pittsburgh did not disappoint.  I LOVE hotels.  Like, really love hotels.  I love the clean room.  I love putting all of our suitcases in the closet so not to clutter the room.  I love turning down the bed at night and climbing in bed, surrounded by really soft pillows.  I love taking 15 minute showers, wash, rinsing, and repeating, and then stepping out and using the entire bottle of lotion that they give you. I love taking extra time to wash my face, exfoliate, floss, and put on the nice night creme.  Seriously girl, why don't you do that more often?  Sigh.  I also loved the view. 

Our trip ended on the South Side, at a fuel station converted into a funky outdoor diner, complete with vegetarian, gluten free, and vegan dishes, and it's fair share of juicy burgers and fries.  They were featuring brunch until 2 and we couldn't resist.  Let me just tell you, if you want your Sunday to start off on the right foot, go to the Double Wide Grill and get yourself some stuffed french toast with bananas on top.  The food was almost as great as the service, and there was something about the easy, breezy way of the waiters that reminded me of home and their "that's cool" attitude.  It definitely mastered that laid-back, Sundays are for brunching and dog walking, city feel. 

We needed this (last) weekend.  We needed the sleep, we needed 15 minute showers that you don't pay the water bill on, we needed to get out of Harrisburg and just have it be the two of us.  So, if you're from Pittsburgh, and you're reading this, kinda pissed that we didn't call you, too bad!