Oh

Friday we're going to Pittsburgh!  Wooo!!

Inspiration's a-comin

I'm in the home stretch!  One more week to go and two more tests and then freedom.  Glorious summery freedom.  K's done with school this week so I'm filled with envy of all sorts.  Although, he has to start summer session in two weeks. Still, we will relish in the two week (or one week cause I'm not done yet) yumminess and make it all that we can.  Sure, I have shifts lined up but we will still relish.  Shifts lined up.  Ah, that actually feels good to write.  I am excited to start making money again.  Ha. 

So, my birthday.  It was a good day, and yes, it was mostly up to me until about 9:00.  I think I did a good job.  Lilly and I took a walk, I managed to take some pictures with my phone, and I think we saluted Earth day one more time.   I did have to do homework on my birthday, which no 25 year old should really have to do.  Making the most of it, I decided to sprawl out at Panera, enjoy a yummy salmon sandwich and short bread cookie, and went to work.  I even finished early and got to enjoy a solid 45 min birthday break.  Yes, I had clinicals, but the girls sang to me and patient who I never met wished me a happy day.  It was a good day.  The best part came after my clinicals, when K gave me the best bday gift a girl born on Earth Day could get----a promised camping trip!  Yes!  

We camped together twice before.  The first time, I planned and planned and he came out to Seattle.  His first camping trip.  Sigh.  The boy was not lookin forward to it, I know it. But, he did his best.  I planned the best camping menu I could, complete with camp-fire biscuits (from a can).  I bought so much beer, because if he wasn't enjoying himself, I would make him drink.  I think we had a decent time, but it was too long for a first-time camping trip.  We went two nights and did a lot, so this time around we'll probably just go one night. 

That place is the most gorgeous part of Washington though. 

The second time?  That was in the backyard at K's house.  We brought both dogs. Don't ask me why.  Lilly loved it--loved the air, loved the company, loved the pitter-patter noise her paws made on the tent floor, loved the concept of huddling close to her owners and all of their blankets.  Rooney was nervous and proceeded to crap the tent. We cleaned it up at 4 AM, and then headed inside. 

This time will be different. I will plan better. I will cook beyond what I thought capable of.  I will bring more blankets so K doesn't freeze like he did the 1st time.  I will bring more beer.  And maybe vodka. 

Anywho,  2 weeks until freedom.  And reading non-nursing books.  Of running outside with my puppy, taking more road trips, gardening and soaking up sun on the patio.  Cooking on the grill.  Farmers markets.  Watching Netflix again, rather than having the same DVDs in your car since....November.  Bonfires, roasting marshmellows, sleeping and waking with the sun.  Soon, camping and laying under the stars and breathing in the purest of morning air.  To working and fixing broken cameras, and just maybe saving up for a better one.  And different lenses, and those things that you put over the lenses to change the picture. 

Good things are gettin here. 

So long 24...

Tomorrow is Earth Day, which just so happens to also be my birthday. Catchy, huh?  Tomorrow also happens to be my 25th Earth Day.  That seems to be a pretty big birthday.  The type of birthday that prompts young, tan, blonde girls to wake up and sulk, to think to themselves, "I am so old" and "time is going by so fast" and "soon I'll be ugly and fat."  Probably.  But, I am neither blonde nor tan, so I don't think that way.  Maybe a little with the time going fast part, but I think time is going by reasonably. 

I'm not old. I won't be tomorrow, or in 5 years, or 15, or 30.  You can't think that way because then you become stagnant.  Life is about living and looking forward.  Tomorrow is another year that I get to make myself a better person.  Tomorrow is the beginning of a big year.  And I will still remember this big year.  The year when I threw depression aside and healed my heart, the year I got into the school that would someday make me a RN, the year I brought home a special puppy and realized how important she was to me, the year I worked harder than any other, the year I got engaged to the love of my life. 

I really have no plans for my birthday, except to wake up, survive the daily morning tackle by a certain pup, stand outside on the patio and examine the sunshine, hopefully dance at some point (50 cent's In the (da?) club would be nice), and then proceed to my clinical site at 2:00.  Yes, that's right: tomorrow I celebrate birthday style in the psych hospital.  Good start.  I also plan on hittin the gym tomorrow because that's a good start to the year.  Plus, I eagerly await to put "25" in the machine when asked for my age.  Today, I said good bye to the 24 year old on the elliptical.  Tomorrow, I just want a good day, a full day.  I look forward to coming home and seeing what K has planned. 

Last birthday, I wrote in my journal, comparing the year before to the upcoming birthday.  The year before, I hit my lowest low, and thought about suicide.  I didn't try anything, and I don't think I would have, but the point is, I was that sad and lonely. I was that depressed.  When I was 23, I didn't want to be here. That year, I got therapy and K and I received couple's therapy, and by the time I was 24, I was a different person. I was myself.  And, here's what I wrote:

"I had a scary birthday last year so that I could have the clarity this year.  I can appreciate my life, my journey, and my gifts more because I have a comparison. I want to live now--not just scoot by, but really live.  I want to jump in." 

I'm jumping. I'm living.  I'm doing this.  And it's beautiful, it's fulfilling, it's true. 

So here's how I lived today:

I mentioned the gym, and I really made it happen. I had an hour before my next thing to do, so I cranked through the weights, jumped on the elliptical machine, punched in "24" for the last time, and fully enjoyed the workout and the magazine that I was reading.  I hummed along to Gaga on the radio overhead. I embraced the sweat and the hardwork on the machine.

Then, all sweaty and everything, I didn't care, I went and got a long overdue haircut.  You know how busy a semester can be (and how poor you are) when you put off a haircut since December.  So, I got a pre-birthday haircut, and told him to cut a lot off because soon I'd be in wedding mode and growing it out.  I got one of those sassy little bobs with layers, longer in the front, and I enjoyed it. 

When I got home, I threw on jeans, flats, a striped t-shirt, and a white cardigan and took my Lilly for a walk.  We went to the soccer field, and I greeted the sunshine, breathed in the freshly cut grass smell, and loved that Earth Day eve as much as I could.  And because life was to be lived in today, Lilly and I ventured past our usual walk, crossed another field and picked lillacs from an abandoned lot. Something I thought about doing every time I drive by.  And it was wonderful.  Wonderful to watch her sniff this new path, wonderful to see her navigate through tall grass and imagine her imagining herself on the hunt.  We picked the lillacs and she discovered one on the ground and smelled the hell out of it.  Walking back, I thought how beautiful the moment was, the sun, the lillacs in one hand and the gray leash in the other, and a dog who will do it all again if I just ask. Even though it probably looked like I had stolen lillacs in my hand when we walked back, I enjoyed it all. 

Top this day with a Mexican feast and Dante singing to me, and it's a pretty good farewell to 24.  And so, I'll end it with a phone call to Katie, someone who has never missed a birthday call, and then snuggle in between a boy and a dog, and wait for the clock to strike midnight, and then 11:17 tomorrow. 

Good bye 24, and thank you. 

Puppy Love

Hello from nursing school.

I woke up ridiculously early today in order to get in line before the lab opened.  Way too many of us had to tape a skill today and everyone knew that everyone was going to be there early.  I felt like I should have packed a cooler and a lawn chair.  Most people wait in lines for cool stuff (or, not technically "cool" stuff.....because how cool are you if you're 25 and waiting in line for Harry Potter?) and then they get something that makes the rest of their day.  No, it's not like that in the world of nursing school.  You wait in line knowing that the odds are against you and you'll probably have to wait in line again.  No cool gadget, no video game, no 2 hours of movie and popcorn.  No t-shirt that says "I waited in line for lab and all I got was this stinkin tshirt."  Just more stress, more waiting, more wondering just what you'll be doing this time next year. 

Life really is put on hold during nursing school.  Next week is the big 2-5, and I'm not really excited.  I don't have room or time for excitement.  Life is going by so quickly and so horribly slow at the same time.  Plus, half of my birthday will be spent at a psych hospital, so there's that going for me.  Usually, I have mediocre birthdays, which is fine and i've accepted it at this point.  The best birthday that I had was when it was up to me to celebrate it.  I was living in Seattle, freshly 21, the whole day ahead of me because everyone was working.  I started my day off with a coffee cake and drink from Starbucks, put a candle in the cake (it was green too, so everything matched nicely), and made a wish. I don't know what I wished for, but I'm sure it came true.  The day was then filled with Pike Place Market with Katie and lunch at Ivars.  Very. Good. Birthday.

So what do I want for my birthday?  Good food, sunshine, flowers, exercise, relaxation.  That's it. I don't care about cake or balloons or presents.  I just want a good day.  It can be ordinary, I don't care.

Anyways, back to the stress that is nursing school.  Yesterday everything really got to me and I was just unable to clear my head.  I took a nap, ate comfort food, finished my work so it would be off my mind, took a bath, nothing worked.  It got to the point where I was like, "Screw it, let's try meditating." Because that's all I had left.  I sat up right on the bed, layed my arms over my knees, and thought "I will pass" over and over and over and over again. 

The pup took this as a que to play.  She threw a rubber bone in my lap, then picked it up and tried to hook it onto the front of my shirt.  When that didn't work, she rolled around all over me, making that little piggy noise that she makes.  Meditating was not really working.  So I gave in, I rolled around on the bed with her, rubbed her delicious little black ears, and still, my mind was clogged.  I layed down, she stopped what she was doing, and........she licked my face.

This dog does not do that. Maybe to K because she loves him more than anything else in the world, but NEVER to me.  She licked and licked and then layed down and put her paw in my hand. 

And that did it. 

This is why I love dogs.  They get it, they know what you're feeling.  And despite all the times where I've unsuccessfully taught her a new trick, all the times that she ran away from me and tackled the neighbor, all of the towels and pillow corners that she has consumed in her short life,  THIS time, she knew exactly what to do. 

So here I am today, lab finished, waiting for class, a weight lifted off of me, eager to go home and reward that (Lab) puppy with a good run, and show her just how much I care too.

She was so flippin cute!

May Flowers

Jason, my dear, you did it again.

Funk is officially over.  I searched Mr. A-Z on my iTunes, hit shuffle and play, and the rest is history.

Room clean.
Organization complete.
Dog happy.
More gardening accomplished.
Dancing achieved.

I even put on my old pink shirt that I first met K in.   My, what a little determination can get you.

April Showers

I can't take it anymore.  This blog needs color and more inspiration.  The flowers around here have fallen off of the cherry trees already, daffodils are slumped over due to the heaviness of their yellow tops mixed with spring rain, and I have officially missed a whole season of photos.  This reminds me of the year my mom and I were a week late for the Skagit Valley Tulip festival.  The flowers couldn't wait for us.  It was a ghost town of tulip bodies.  Even the lillacs are blooming early this year, sending me into a photographer panic. So, because I have not fixed my damn cameras, here's some spring pictures from last year:  

Ahh, that's better.

I have one month of school left.  Did I say that already?  I don't remember.  Here's the thing with nursing school: the struggle is never over.  Even when that final has been turned in and you're faced with a whole summer of possibilities ahead of you, you can't exhale.  The stress is overwhelming and the uncertainty is debilitating.  I guess that's the point of nursing school.  They stress you out, have you pick yourself up, you learn to adapt, because really, we need sturdy nurses.  So, here I am, once again learning to adapt. 

When I had my LPN training, the stress was excruciating. People threw up before finals.  Hair loss was as common as weight gain.   It's not so bad this time around, probably because it's a lot of "been there, done that".  Still, here I am at the end of a semester, wondering where the last 3 months of my life have been, and what the aftermath of this semester will be.  Will I pass?  Yeah, I'm not worried about that.  Will I be the same as when I started?  No, because stuff like this makes you grow, whether you like it or not.  I can already see a change in classmates.  There's a abundance of confidence, despite the pressure that we receive through the program.  We're becoming educators, advocates, and real nurses before our eyes.  Will I be able to focus on the small things, suck the marrow out of this summer, and relax?  I hope so, I really hope so.  Will my dog forgive me for the lack of adventures this spring has produced?  Yeah, because that's what's so great about puppy dogs.

One more, just to get my fix. 

I'm having one of those funky days today.  Days that seem to go by too fast, and at the same time drag on.  Where you want to soak up as much sunlight as possible, but desire so greatly to crawl in bed and shut everything out.  I have days like this every so often.  I use to have them daily, but have managed to keep them at bay with various coping mechanisms.

Trying desperately to stay out of the funk, I'm sitting here with the blinds wide open, focusing on the sunshine in the aftermath of the afternoon rain, smiling at little puddles and raindrops on green leaves, thinking about great things that are possible for this evening (painting toenails bright pink, playing with a energetic puppy on the stairs, and watching LOST), while Kelle Hampton's blog is open on my browser, so I can just listen to what's playing on her page.  I'm trying so hard.  Think good thoughts.   Turn the music up.  Dance around the room.  Get outside and breathe that rain air in. 

The problem with funky days and Harrisburg?  I don't have any place to escape to.   I don't have an ocean to confide in.  I can't bury my feet in the sand and count the clouds.  Forests are still bare and don't have ancient Evergreens for me to confide in.  Point-no-Point is so far away.  The city that inspires me is in another time zone.  And that makes me so incredibly sad sometimes.  As much as I love my guy and am inspired by where he's from, I can't deny how much of me is because of where I am from.  We are all like that.  That's what this blog is ultimately about.  It's written all over these pages. 

So instead of Pike Place and the Olympic Mountains, I'll find solace in parts of my past that came with me.  Jason Mraz music will life up my soul and spark that dancing girl.  I'll stare at the little peas and corns and thyme that are springing up from the soil that I planted them in 3 weeks ago.  I'll make my bed and wrestle with my pup on it's white covers.  And maybe tonight, while I'm watching the best show of all time (next to Buffy, I'll admit it), I'll not only dream about those forests and about sleeping under it's canopy and starry sky, but I'll plan something.  A camping trip, a hike, a menu of food that tastes best when cooked on an open flame. 

And, if I'm lucky, maybe I'll fall asleep to the rain, and forget where I'm not for awhile. 

Just keep swimmin, just keep swimmin

Hello little blog. 

I've been away for a couple of days.  How have you been?


Camera is still broken.  Sigh, sigh, sigh. 

School is still sucking the marrow out of my life.  I have a month to go.  So, here I sit on my bed, typing another nursing care plan, day dreaming between pages about the life that I will have this summer.  

What will I do?  Here's a quick list, which I will add to once I have a life again.

- Catch up on the entire 1st season of Glee.  I'll admit it, that show is pretty awesome.

-Swim.  People swim a lot in Seattle. There are lakes galore.  It's one of those quintessential summery things that you should do.  Lakes aren't readily available here in Harrisburg.  But, gosh darn it, I'm not going to let another summer pass me by without some swimming action.

-Spruce up my mini-golf skills.  Whether it's on the really difficult course we have on City Island in Harrisburg, or the Pacific NW themed one in Bremerton.

-Bocce Ball.  Best. Game. Ever. And it's Italian.

-Roll up my pants and wade through a river.  Sigh, I'm so already there.

-Cloud watching.  Because I want to have time to just do nothing but look at the clouds.

-Camp.

-Whisper sweet nothings to the fireflies.  They are so precious and another great thing about living here.

-Teach Lilly how to successfully catch a frisbee.

-Rock that tennis skirt and tank.

-Camp.

-Camp.

-Camp.




Oh, Lordy, I need to finish (actually start) this paper.  It's going to be a long night.  This entry was my final procrastination move.