So long 24...

Tomorrow is Earth Day, which just so happens to also be my birthday. Catchy, huh?  Tomorrow also happens to be my 25th Earth Day.  That seems to be a pretty big birthday.  The type of birthday that prompts young, tan, blonde girls to wake up and sulk, to think to themselves, "I am so old" and "time is going by so fast" and "soon I'll be ugly and fat."  Probably.  But, I am neither blonde nor tan, so I don't think that way.  Maybe a little with the time going fast part, but I think time is going by reasonably. 

I'm not old. I won't be tomorrow, or in 5 years, or 15, or 30.  You can't think that way because then you become stagnant.  Life is about living and looking forward.  Tomorrow is another year that I get to make myself a better person.  Tomorrow is the beginning of a big year.  And I will still remember this big year.  The year when I threw depression aside and healed my heart, the year I got into the school that would someday make me a RN, the year I brought home a special puppy and realized how important she was to me, the year I worked harder than any other, the year I got engaged to the love of my life. 

I really have no plans for my birthday, except to wake up, survive the daily morning tackle by a certain pup, stand outside on the patio and examine the sunshine, hopefully dance at some point (50 cent's In the (da?) club would be nice), and then proceed to my clinical site at 2:00.  Yes, that's right: tomorrow I celebrate birthday style in the psych hospital.  Good start.  I also plan on hittin the gym tomorrow because that's a good start to the year.  Plus, I eagerly await to put "25" in the machine when asked for my age.  Today, I said good bye to the 24 year old on the elliptical.  Tomorrow, I just want a good day, a full day.  I look forward to coming home and seeing what K has planned. 

Last birthday, I wrote in my journal, comparing the year before to the upcoming birthday.  The year before, I hit my lowest low, and thought about suicide.  I didn't try anything, and I don't think I would have, but the point is, I was that sad and lonely. I was that depressed.  When I was 23, I didn't want to be here. That year, I got therapy and K and I received couple's therapy, and by the time I was 24, I was a different person. I was myself.  And, here's what I wrote:

"I had a scary birthday last year so that I could have the clarity this year.  I can appreciate my life, my journey, and my gifts more because I have a comparison. I want to live now--not just scoot by, but really live.  I want to jump in." 

I'm jumping. I'm living.  I'm doing this.  And it's beautiful, it's fulfilling, it's true. 

So here's how I lived today:

I mentioned the gym, and I really made it happen. I had an hour before my next thing to do, so I cranked through the weights, jumped on the elliptical machine, punched in "24" for the last time, and fully enjoyed the workout and the magazine that I was reading.  I hummed along to Gaga on the radio overhead. I embraced the sweat and the hardwork on the machine.

Then, all sweaty and everything, I didn't care, I went and got a long overdue haircut.  You know how busy a semester can be (and how poor you are) when you put off a haircut since December.  So, I got a pre-birthday haircut, and told him to cut a lot off because soon I'd be in wedding mode and growing it out.  I got one of those sassy little bobs with layers, longer in the front, and I enjoyed it. 

When I got home, I threw on jeans, flats, a striped t-shirt, and a white cardigan and took my Lilly for a walk.  We went to the soccer field, and I greeted the sunshine, breathed in the freshly cut grass smell, and loved that Earth Day eve as much as I could.  And because life was to be lived in today, Lilly and I ventured past our usual walk, crossed another field and picked lillacs from an abandoned lot. Something I thought about doing every time I drive by.  And it was wonderful.  Wonderful to watch her sniff this new path, wonderful to see her navigate through tall grass and imagine her imagining herself on the hunt.  We picked the lillacs and she discovered one on the ground and smelled the hell out of it.  Walking back, I thought how beautiful the moment was, the sun, the lillacs in one hand and the gray leash in the other, and a dog who will do it all again if I just ask. Even though it probably looked like I had stolen lillacs in my hand when we walked back, I enjoyed it all. 

Top this day with a Mexican feast and Dante singing to me, and it's a pretty good farewell to 24.  And so, I'll end it with a phone call to Katie, someone who has never missed a birthday call, and then snuggle in between a boy and a dog, and wait for the clock to strike midnight, and then 11:17 tomorrow. 

Good bye 24, and thank you.