All Grown Up

It's 12:43 and I'm exhausted.  I started this post this afternoon and just erased everything that I wrote.  It was on purpose.  It was crap.  It was forced. 

This is forced too, but in a different way. 

I haven't written in a week.  I didn't write about our hike.  I didn't write about all the sunshine and the things that I've crossed off my list.  There was enough time, but I was like, "eh" when it came to writing. 

I don't like that.  So, I'm going to force myself to write something decent. 

In two days, or, really tomorrow, I start my new job.  Its a good job.  It's a professional job.  I'll have my own office.  I'll be expected to wear nice pants and nice shoes.  I'll have to do my hair everyday and wear makeup.  I'll have to be proactive and introduce myself to people rather than stay in the background.  I'll have a long title.  I'll have to rely on myself instead of give problems to other people.  I'll be in charge. 



Shit.


Now, don't get me wrong, this is what I want.  This is what I've wanted for a long, long time.  It's a dream come true.  It's hard work that produced something great.  I wanted to be a RN, I wanted to be a professional nurse, I wanted to be financially independent and secure, and I went and did it.  On the other side of the country, no less. BUT, it's still very scary.  I'm going to enter a new tax bracket.  I'm going to be responsible for a lot of stuff.  I'm not even sure what all I'm expected to do. 

And, I kinda feel like I need to suck all of the marrow out of tomorrow and make it an important final day off.  Or, maybe just lounge in bed in my pajamas and cuddle with a dog. 

Oh, the poor dog.  Locked up Monday thru Friday.  I have so much guilt, it's not even funny.

Maybe I'll just spend the day doing whatever she wants. 


This is it though.  A new chapter begins in two days, er, tomorrow. I'm officially an adult, I guess. 

25 years and 49 weeks seems a good time to start that chapter.  I guess its been coming for awhile. I am getting married this year, after all. 

And I take my vitamins.

I wear moisturizer at night.

I make my bed everyday.

I read before bed.

I wake up early on Saturday mornings. 

I stay on top of the news.

I make sure that my car is maintained.

I watch Mad Men.  And get it.

I use coupons at the grocery store.

I floss.

And follow up with mouthwash.

I make sure that I eat lots of fiber.



Those are all very adult like things.  Not to mention I garden to the point where I even considered buying one of those floppy straw hats.  I prefer to stay in on a Friday night and only go to bars if there's a reasonable happy hour.  I know how to knit.  I send thank you notes. So, I'll add things like providing health insurance to my love, contributing to a 401K, coming to work early and staying late, and spending my weekends catching up on laundry instead of going out with friends.

I feel it.  Things are changing fast. 

Still, its exciting.  It's exciting to have that freedom and to have different worries. 


And still, I was not the typical child, or teenager, or 20 something.  So, why should I be the typical adult?

I talk to my dog and tell her very serious things.

I plan on expanding my heel collection very soon.

I will fill my desk with very colorful pens.  And every Sharpie color imaginable.

I still plan on painting a closet a very bright color.  Maybe not pink, but something vibrant. 

I really don't stay on top of the news like I should.  But, I know everything that's going on in pop culture. 

I bought the new Britney Spears album today.  And, I'm listening to it now, and I like it a lot.

I'm going to watch the new Sarah Michelle Gellar show next Fall just because Buffy's in it.

I saw an ad today for fondue that you put on a grill, and want to stock up.

I also watched a Britney Spears music video marathon today, and vehemently disagreed with the rankings.

I take at least 30 minutes thinking about ways that I've grown up and haven't because I desperately want to make my mark on the blogosphere. 



I'm tired.  I have a big day tomorrow--I mean today.  It's not everyday that you get to stand at the edge and look down before you take that leap. 

Last Year

Six months to go.

Backyard Blogging



I'll take it. In fact, let's break out some shorts people and start on our tan. 

I am blogging from my back yard today.  I have discovered that my favorite hour of the day is between 6:00 and 7:00 PM, thanks to that whole Daylight Savings bit.  It is the grandest part of the day.  Golden sunlight, birds chirping like they're catching up on the day, dogs laying in grass eating leftover hay, crocuses shutting for the night. 

This is me basking in the extra hour of daylight, if you haven't caught on.

In fact, I'm doing pretty well with my Spring List so far.  Much better than I expected. 

The air is still very chilly at night.  But, I can't resist opening the windows because I am so anti-Winter now.  It is an after-thought.  Winter has retired for the year, and Spring is springing.

Still, its awfully cold at night.  Around 4 AM the dog gives up and wakes me up so that I can pick the covers up.  I enjoy her warm body against my legs an awful lot.  I probably open the window at night just for that. What a needy parent.

I even woke up at that ungodly hour the other day, because I swear I heard her say, "Hey, I'm cold."  It could happen.

..................................................................................................................................................................................................

The seeds are planted.  Well, the indoor seeds at least.  Say hello to tomatoes, corn, cucumbers, cabbage, and peppers. 

I had to call the seed company because there was a warning on the corn that I bought.  The seeds are treated, and on the package it says, "Warning.  Seeds treated [with some kind of chemical that I probably shouldn't have bought but whatever]. Do not use for food, feed, or oil."

So I called them and was like, "WHAT DO I DO WITH THEM?"

And the answer was, "Just don't eat the actual seed."

The question is common, so that made me feel better.

I'm much better prepared with seedlings this year.  It took me 30 minutes vs the four hours that it did last year.  Evolution, baby.



Disposable aluminum baking pans.  That come with their own cover, for that much needed greenhouse effect. We'll see if it works.

Because I can't wait for the seedlings to do their thing, I went to Home Depot today and got me some pansies.

So, that's checked off too.

Yes, its 63 degrees now.  Well, less than that after writing this.  The dog is getting anxious outside and is done barking at the neighbor dogs.  It's not quite what we'd hope from Spring, but it's a start.

Hello.

Stop reading this and go bask in the daylight. 



PS.....we're going hiking tomorrow.....

The Spring List

I need to write this as soon as possible because I'm getting tired of my mopey self.  It's like I have an internal Eeyore.  Oh bother and all.  

It's raining.  I'm kind of thankful for the rain right now. It hushes things. It tells you to just go inside and calm the hell down. Or, it gives you the chance to run in it and splash through puddles. All liberated and such.

I'm going to just calm the hell down. 

This whole no job and no money thing is really getting me down.  To the point where I am acting like I did nothing for the last year and a half.  No accomplishments, just failure. 

K told me something last night.  Well, a lot of stuff, because I'm sure he's tired of that grey and purple donkey too. 

Take advantage of this time as an opportunity to be free from work and responsibility and nurture yourself inside and out.  He said.

And then:

I'm serious....next time you're off like this we'll have kids. 

AND THAT, put everything into perspective. Holy shit.  Now I feel like I wasted a lot of time sulking around when I could have celebrated my 25 year old free life.  That scared me straight because next time, this won't be like this.  I won't get to lounge around.  I won't get to take showers.  Someone will always be asking for something and bothering me. 

So. Perspective it is.  Thank you K.


Here's what's going to keep me busy.

The Spring List.



Dance in puddles, all liberated and such.

Open up the windows and let the cool, Spring air in. 

Buy a bright umbrella and rain boots, and dance a little rain dance.

Wave hello to every single iris, daffodil, and tulip that blooms in the Spring mud.

And, take lots of pictures. Like the picture of that house with the iris front lawn.

Make a Spring wreath.

Sleep backwards, so that your ear is closer to the cool Spring air, and listen to the rain as you fall asleep.

Embrace those last few cold nights, and the feeling of a warm puppy under the blankets.

Spring Clean.  Like, deeply. 

Break off tree branches that are about to bloom, and bring them inside. 

Pick a basket full of tulips.

Paint your nails in ridiculously pastel colors.

Go hiking. 

Eat breakfast out on the patio.  Even if you have to wear a puffy vest. 

Come up with a new Easter dessert.  Who needs bunny cake?

Cook with Spring vegetables: peas, carrots, radishes, baby lettuce.

Rock the tennis skirt.

Plant. 

My mom will be so proud

Start seedlings inside and do it right this time.

Create a customized birthday day.

Finish the photo wall.

Finish organizing the storage room. (hey, you've gotta have some chores!)

Read a couple of books.

Finish the Washington book, already.

Put some pansies in the windowsill.

Have more weekends filled with the National Parks DVD series and Trivial Pursuit.

Participate in "May Day".

Celebrate K when he graduates on May 14th.

Bask in the extra hour of sunlight at the end of the day.

Run across The Field with Lilly.

And, be the person you hoped you'd be when you planted the bulbs. 



Happy Spring. 

Ebelskievers

It was one of those days yesterday.  Again.  And I was on the losing end of the battle. 

Then, this arrived at the front door.  In a gigantic box.

And suddenly, everything was okay.  Everything was exciting.  But, seriously, the box was huge. 

Nettie and Tommy sent us our first wedding gift off of our registry.  Sister and Rihanna dancing fiend went all out too. 

Ebelskiever pan.  Apple and plum jam, Raspberry jam, and the cutest freakin porcelain cow creamer.  I don't drink coffee, but I might now.  Or, put milk for cereal in it. 

Gah.  I freakin love it.  Like, I don't want anything to happen to it either.  It's in the wrapping right now because I don't want anyone to touch it. 

I'll be the woman screaming for the cow creamer if my house ever burns down, it's that cute. 

It's all strutting and stuff. 


Thank you Nettie and Tommy.  You're the best thing to happen to this wedding in a long time.  We love you guys and are so lucky to have such great friends. 

I spent an hour this morning making Ebelskievers.  Filled-pancakes is what K calls them.  I got the hang of it after the second round.  I made some without filling, most with chocolate, and the last few with the Apple Plum jam.  Dude, I even broke out the double broiler to melt the chocolate filling. 

Can I just say, HEAVEN?

HEAVEN. 

I'll admit it, I ate a lot of these suckers.  The batch makes 40 of them though, so it's kinda necessary to do your part.  I also made an egg for myself so that I would not Ebelskiever all over the floor.  Thats balance. 

I'm going to perfect my Ebelskiever skills so that come June, I can serve perfect, fluffy, sugary, doughy pillows to my Nettie and Tommy. 

Mountain Porn, baby

Hello, my mountain.  I miss you.

Why, yes msn.com, I would love to tour the world's most beautiful mountains this morning. 

Bitter Stream of Consciousness

Something happened this week that changed everything.  For good, for the most part. But, things still changed and I was faced with one of those hit-you-in-the-face moments. 

Life is different now. 

It's not cancer. It's not heart disease.  It's not diabetes even. 

It's Polycystic Ovarian Syndrome. PCOs, is what we call it in this house now.  That's what I have. That's what I was diagnosed with this week. 

Not terminal. Not deadly.  But, definitely life changing. 


I knew that something was wrong for a little while.  I didn't know what exactly, but I knew something was wrong.  Or, that something would be wrong in the future.  Maybe that's a natural feeling coming from the Northwest.  Out there, MS is higher than it is in the rest of the country.  For the longest time, I had this feeling that something would happen and that I wouldn't be able to do things that I always wanted. 

Like run.  Running was always the thing that I'd miss the most.  That freeing feeling of letting go, letting your body take over, use up all of it's ability, and just go for it.  The warmth of your muscles performing, the cooling air on your face.  That's what I would fear losing. 

But, it's not THAT bad.  It's not great, right now, but it's not debilitating.

Instead, PCOs is a warning sign.  Of unstable insulin levels that need to be treated with medication.  Medication that I have to take for a long, long time.  Until menopause at least.  And that's the life-changing part, for me. 

Because, when you're 25, you think you have time.  You have time to eat more french fries and put off exercising and drink a little more than you should.  You don't have to put medical histories down on doctor's office papers.  You don't have to worry about what this pill will do to you.  Or what complications could come up. 

And then you think, why did this take so long to notice?  My dermatologist suggested it.  Gynecologists missed it.  Family doctors didn't even think of the possibility. 

One of the signs of PCOs is depression. 

That really makes me mad.  Now, as a nurse I understand completely that you can't dwell on the "what ifs". 

But, what if. 


The amount of sad days.  The feeling of complete failure.  The heaviness of depression that was constantly on my shoulders.  The number of times when I felt like I wasn't good enough.  The thoughts that I've had. 

What if they could have been avoided.  What if I could have been healthy and happy. 


So, I have to take care of myself now.  Physically and emotionally.  I took a couple days and mourned the fact that I was diagnosed with something that will put me at risk.  I ate way too many tater tots and stayed in front of the television, while the dog slept besides me.  I stayed up very late.  I cried on the phone with Theresa as she cried with me.  I cursed whoever I could for this happening and for it going unnoticed. 

And, then I moved on. 



This is my life now.  This is part of me.  The medication will be a twice daily part of my routine.  I will have to chose better choices.  I will have to push myself physically. 

If I was on the West Coast, I would have still ate tater tots and sulked in front of the TV.  I would have still been sad. 


Then, I would have driven to the ocean.  I would have stood on it's shore, waves crashing against bare feet.  I would have stared out into the horizon and would have let this go.  Given it up.  Accepted it.  Wind against my face.  Muscles warm and ready to run.