All Grown Up

It's 12:43 and I'm exhausted.  I started this post this afternoon and just erased everything that I wrote.  It was on purpose.  It was crap.  It was forced. 

This is forced too, but in a different way. 

I haven't written in a week.  I didn't write about our hike.  I didn't write about all the sunshine and the things that I've crossed off my list.  There was enough time, but I was like, "eh" when it came to writing. 

I don't like that.  So, I'm going to force myself to write something decent. 

In two days, or, really tomorrow, I start my new job.  Its a good job.  It's a professional job.  I'll have my own office.  I'll be expected to wear nice pants and nice shoes.  I'll have to do my hair everyday and wear makeup.  I'll have to be proactive and introduce myself to people rather than stay in the background.  I'll have a long title.  I'll have to rely on myself instead of give problems to other people.  I'll be in charge. 



Shit.


Now, don't get me wrong, this is what I want.  This is what I've wanted for a long, long time.  It's a dream come true.  It's hard work that produced something great.  I wanted to be a RN, I wanted to be a professional nurse, I wanted to be financially independent and secure, and I went and did it.  On the other side of the country, no less. BUT, it's still very scary.  I'm going to enter a new tax bracket.  I'm going to be responsible for a lot of stuff.  I'm not even sure what all I'm expected to do. 

And, I kinda feel like I need to suck all of the marrow out of tomorrow and make it an important final day off.  Or, maybe just lounge in bed in my pajamas and cuddle with a dog. 

Oh, the poor dog.  Locked up Monday thru Friday.  I have so much guilt, it's not even funny.

Maybe I'll just spend the day doing whatever she wants. 


This is it though.  A new chapter begins in two days, er, tomorrow. I'm officially an adult, I guess. 

25 years and 49 weeks seems a good time to start that chapter.  I guess its been coming for awhile. I am getting married this year, after all. 

And I take my vitamins.

I wear moisturizer at night.

I make my bed everyday.

I read before bed.

I wake up early on Saturday mornings. 

I stay on top of the news.

I make sure that my car is maintained.

I watch Mad Men.  And get it.

I use coupons at the grocery store.

I floss.

And follow up with mouthwash.

I make sure that I eat lots of fiber.



Those are all very adult like things.  Not to mention I garden to the point where I even considered buying one of those floppy straw hats.  I prefer to stay in on a Friday night and only go to bars if there's a reasonable happy hour.  I know how to knit.  I send thank you notes. So, I'll add things like providing health insurance to my love, contributing to a 401K, coming to work early and staying late, and spending my weekends catching up on laundry instead of going out with friends.

I feel it.  Things are changing fast. 

Still, its exciting.  It's exciting to have that freedom and to have different worries. 


And still, I was not the typical child, or teenager, or 20 something.  So, why should I be the typical adult?

I talk to my dog and tell her very serious things.

I plan on expanding my heel collection very soon.

I will fill my desk with very colorful pens.  And every Sharpie color imaginable.

I still plan on painting a closet a very bright color.  Maybe not pink, but something vibrant. 

I really don't stay on top of the news like I should.  But, I know everything that's going on in pop culture. 

I bought the new Britney Spears album today.  And, I'm listening to it now, and I like it a lot.

I'm going to watch the new Sarah Michelle Gellar show next Fall just because Buffy's in it.

I saw an ad today for fondue that you put on a grill, and want to stock up.

I also watched a Britney Spears music video marathon today, and vehemently disagreed with the rankings.

I take at least 30 minutes thinking about ways that I've grown up and haven't because I desperately want to make my mark on the blogosphere. 



I'm tired.  I have a big day tomorrow--I mean today.  It's not everyday that you get to stand at the edge and look down before you take that leap.