The Art of Living

I've been out-of-sorts lately. 

There have been a lot of times in the last couple of weeks, when I've starred into a starry sky and thought, "I am not living right now."

Its my own fault, I'll admit that.  I work long hours and still haven't gotten the hang of that whole balance thing.  Or, maybe I don't speak up for myself enough. That's always been a problem for me, I'll admit that too. 

This feeling was so intense on Thursday night.  I was in bed, checking email, when I heard the first crashes of thunder outside.  And then the rain came.  Forcefully, violently almost.  I jumped out of bed and flew out the door.  I had to let the rain touch my face.  I had to feel it soak in my hair.  The dog thought I was nuts, but I had to do something courageous and extraordinary.  And it felt that way.  It felt like I was back in Washington, where we believe you should ditch the umbrella on drizzling days, because its good for your skin.  Its good for my soul too.   A familiar feeling.  Back to reality almost.  If you don't take advantage of what's in front of you, then life will always be the same. 



I have one job though and that is to live.  It doesn' t matter what I do at work or who I have in my life, but it does matter that I take every opportunity I can to live my life to its potential.  That's a hard concept for some.  Success for others may be reflected in the kind of job they have, or how much money they appear to have, or what their house looks like.  My personal standard is based on how much nectar I suck out of the day.  Did I read about something important today? Did I close my eyes and let sweet music saturate into my soul?  Did I roll on the floor and show my dog that I love her?  Did I laugh hysterically because a resident told me a funny story on accident? Did I snuggle up in bed with my love and dream big dreams? Did I make a decision today that would make me a better woman, a better wife, a better nurse, a better daughter, a better sister, a better mother?  Did I stop what I was doing and burst out the door so that I would not miss a chance at something great?

This has been a difficult year.  There has been a lot of fighting swirling around us. I think people are trying to find their place in this world, let alone our lives.  Some people make the cut, some people don't, and some we will come back to.  I am not a bad person.  I am not someone who stomps her feet and demands respect.  I demand respect by giving respect.  I hate the conflict because it leads us off the course. 

The Art of Living has nothing to do with the art of fighting.  They don't go together.  The Art of Living relies on inner peace.  Inner peace is derived from self-discovery.  And I'll be damned if I lose the self-discovery part of myself right now.  Too many nights have I spent on the kitchen floor sobbing because I can't feel a damn thing.  Too many times have I stopped doing the things that I loved because I didn't recognize myself anymore.  Too many times have I wasted time because I was worried about other people.

I have love. 

I have friends.

I have family.

I have passions.

I have goals.

I have ambitions.

I have support.

I have moments that are waiting for me.


And to those who I've fought with this year, I am sorry.  But, I know that it was necessary for the both of us. 

Katie, I know that you are happier now.  I was worried about you and I didn't mean for it to end the way it did. But, it happened that way, and that's what we have to live with.  I know we out-grew our friendship, but I know we had a good one for awhile.  But, I know that you are happy.

Michael, I just sent you a text apologizing and wanting to start over. It's what I needed to do.  We had to say things to each other.  We have been angry about a lot of things.  We both had to grow up a bit more.  But, I'm not going to be mad anymore.

Nettie, I know what life was without you, and I hated it.  I hated that we couldn't communicate.  I hated that I wasn't there for you when you needed me.  I hated that I didn't know how to tell you how much I appreciate you.  Last year we were still in our teenage friendship, and we came into adulthood on a rainy October night at the Boat Shed.   And without that fight, I don't think we would have been this strong. 

Liz and Theresa, you conclude my year of fighting.  You are the climax of that chapter in my life, and now I chose to descend into a life worth living. 


I am no longer angry.  I am no longer going to hold myself back.  Whoever wants to come with me, then jump on because this train is one-way baby. 

All I want for my one wild, precious life is to be free.  Free from torment, free from restrictions, free from judgments, free from threats, free from gossip, free from neglect.  I want a life spent in fleece jackets, sitting in the backyard listening to coyotes howl while the fire pit whips and hisses blue and orange flames.  I want a life spent jumping into lakes with clothes on.  I want a life spent throwing giggling children in the air and watching them cling to their grandfathers neck.  I want a life waking up early in white linens to orange and pink sun.  I want a life with snoring dogs laying at my feet.  I want a life when we toasts others accomplishments without ashtrays laying around, but with fresh tomatoes and goat cheese, crusty bread, olive oil, and basil, under glowing gazebo lights. 

I am going to dance with my husband at my wedding and have no regrets. We will be surrounded by people who truly love us.  It may in fact, just be flawless.

I am going to show people that I love them, not just say it like a parrot. 

I am going to treat my body like a temple, so that it can grow healthy, chubby babies, and carry me through the mountains of my home. 

I am going to develop friendships with people who will be more like me.  People who are dorky like me, who own several Nalgene bottles like I do, who want to save up for a kayak, who have always wanted to be in a book club, or who have always thought it would be cool to wear a cashmere scarf and see a French movie.

I am going to love people not based on blood.  My family is not limited to 4 or 5 people, but extends to individuals who have slept in Detroit, who live in Australia, who as I write have a table set-up in their house with the napkins and centerpieces for shower #2.

I am going to sing, I am going to dance, and I am going to praise everyday.  Because that's what matters in life.

I am going to open a bottle of wine and two of our new glasses tonight, sit under the stars with my truest love and think, "Now, I am living."